10 new rules...

I felt somewhat ambushed by the lack of preparation I had in comparison to yours, but then I was never one to take other peoples personal inventory. I guess I could have written a list comparable to yours in which I outlined the times when you've made me feel pathetic, or stupid and why, but frankly I didn't see how that could possibly be constructive. I felt like it was more important to give you the benefit of the doubt, go home each night, hurt, give you space till I'm done hurting, and then when it stops, re-approach you. Perhaps this is why we don't hang out more. A true friend doesn't assume the worst, I have, and always will, instead assume that your intentions are good when you say things that hurt... even though you've repeatedly proved this notion wrong.
I could never sit and make you hurt by pointing out all of your character flaws out of some ill conceived notion of superiority or vain delusion that it would somehow be good for our friendship or you as a person. I've only ever tried to help you when you stumble over the same stone again and again and even that has come to an end as of late. I see now that the air needs to be cleared, I cannot guess at what actions I've taken or words that I've said that have upset you, you needed to share. Now I feel reluctant to do the same. I firmly believe that this is the only way to proceed given recent occurrences otherwise we're stepping of again on a foot of dishonesty. Perhaps I'm misrepresenting things here, but the following is true and needs to be said nonetheless. Unfortunately, I cannot recall these details in conversation, I needed to sit and write them out.
In the past few weeks I have done a considerable amount of evaluation on our friendship and I have arrived at a new level of understanding that was confirmed spectacularly during my last visit.

We shouldn't be friends.

I do not enjoy your company anymore for a considerable number of reasons. You make me feel used, pathetic, unappreciated, inadequate, ugly(both on the inside and outside), but mostly just psychologically fucked up. I cannot expect to have a conversation with you without being judged and condemned, you take full control of every conversation and regularly interrupt me to tell me what I am and am not allowed to say and nearly always ends with you shutting down and telling me to stop while you accuse me of not listening. Conversations are exhausting and unproductive, advice is slapped away without any degree of diplomacy and often balled in with numerous insults on multiple levels combined with accusations of some sort of malicious intent directed at you. You feel judged, tears are not uncommon, shouting, etc. so I've learned to shut up and refrain from giving feedback. You seem to value patronizing lies that comfort your emotions over honesty regardless of compassion.
Then there's the public spectacles that have occurred. You have no qualms about embarrassing me in front of my closest friends, dropping cut down comments, behaving selfishly and making events that I go to unpleasant. I cannot begin to describe how horrid I felt when you brought Darren to ConVergence and put so many of my friends through that drama, I cannot describe the self loathing I felt when you encouraged my flirtations during the last ConVergence only to reject me directly after getting satisfaction.
Looking back on our friendship I see a incessant repetition of events in which you used me in one form of another and then kicked me away when you're tired of me or have some new guy to obsess over. I felt used at Lucy's party when you spent the whole time talking with that guy and I had to stand around waiting for you just so I could drive you home afterward. I felt pathetic when you rejected me because you were having a period and then described your bloody sexual exploits with the car dealer the very next day. You have an uncanny ability to make me feel completely undesirable as a person and you do it quite often. I felt the weight of this all bearing down on me when you disregarded me as I stood and waited patiently for you while you chatted about nothing of consequence only to rush me as I paused to ask something relevant.
The best part though, is how you've managed to miss all of this and instead interpret my recent hostility as me being sweet in private and an asshole in public. The mental acrobatics that you must have played with yourself to come to such a conclusion and then investigate it and somehow find confirmation in this idea is simply offensive to me on yet another level. The truth is so much more simple than that; I've lost nearly all the respect that I once had for you. While I am proud of the financial independence, scholarly progress and parental integrity that you've achieved, you have managed to become simultaneously one of the most judgmental, condescending and selfish people I know and many concepts that you are passionate about are hugely offensive to me. When I first met you, you were promiscuous, overweight, financially unstable and had extremely low self esteem, but at leased I never felt judged around you, I never felt like my opinions were trash and I certainly never felt like I was an ugly person.
What really bothers me is that I've taken your advice, every time we fought about something I said I tried to incorporate that into my behavior, change myself to suite your personality so you wouldn't get your emotions hurt. Yet after all this tiptoeing and biting my tongue and complementing you and fluffing your ego like you wanted, we're here. Worse than ever.
The biggest thing that's going on though, is that you've become so boring to be around. All you seem to talk about these days is work, friends and romances and I feel like we're running out of things in common. All we really have is cosplay now. That matters so much more to me than everything else. I'm sorry, there is no nice way to say that and I know that's fucked, but ultimately if I'm bored with someone I'm going to stop hanging out with them.
So here's where we are, I feel like I am the one who should be questioning for all the above reasons and more as to whether or not I want to continue being your friend, and I can honestly say no. I have no desire to be friends with someone who's selfish, judgmental, inconsiderate, difficult, and boring. I would probably be better off on some level just walking away and frankly so would you. You've said things to me that were no less critical or hurtful that what I've just laid out so I know you this has to be pretty mutual despite the fact that I'm a human and only have my own perspective to go off of.

However, you're the only friend I have that I've gone through anything close to this with and still hang around. In fact, you were the one that taught me that overcoming shit like this is kind of the defining characteristic of what a friendship is. I have and always will give you the benefit of doubt I believe that you mean well. I've never judged you, never will, I've always let this shit roll off my back and I keep coming back.
Now you are trying to decide whether to be my friend because I've accidentally hurt your ego. Think about all of that for a minute.

You wanted me to open up so I am giving you access to my livejournal so you can get a glimpse. My olive branch, if you will. I hope you decide that my expounding on the dark trash from a past only illustrates the depth of how seriously I take our friendship and inspires you both take my integrity more seriously as well as begin seeing me as an equal. More importantly I hope it puts everything into perspective and allows us to move forward in a healthy way but again, I'm not the one putting forth the ultimatum.
Well, there it is. Take it or leave it, ultimately the decision is yours.

Here are my ten new rules, I thought it would be productive to have a happy balance of "do's and don't's":
1) Stop trying to change me. Either accept me for who I am or don't but no more telling me how to act or how to talk.
2) Stop manipulating the conversation. No more shutting down, no more "Drop it!" No more interruptions, no more "You're not listening." You're too good at these tricks and it's not fair.
3) Do not attempt to decipher my comments, if something is unclear simply ask. Even if you ask weeks or months later, I would rather have you understand me and be angry for the right reasons.
4) Stop saying "I've come this far by..." It limits you.
5) Stop taking my emotional inventory, you're not qualified and I do it enough anyway.
6) Hugs when we meet. I don't care how mad you are with me, it's a thing now and it's mean to withhold it.
7) Mention something about me that you like once per get together.
8) When I tell you to "Say it," you must drop whatever your doing, take a deep breathe and say "Rubber baby buggy bumpers."
9) Write and share it with me from time to time.
10) Meditate.

Random fantasy...

"It's dark, I cannot see!" I verbalize the realization as I wake to blackness but not before noticing that I cannot move. I tight grip firmly holds my wrists and ankles down and a dank smell assails me like an old dusty warehouse long forgotten by all but the local children who still throw stones through the windows but are too scared to enter. As I slowly become more and more awake and thus aware, I immediately sense the presence of a person to my right.
I can hear a faint drip in the distance, the air is still and cool but dry. I notice a small amount of light creeping in from the bottom of the blindfold but despite my eye's reach I cannot make anything out except the shape of my own nose.
The scrape of a foot turning on it's heel toward me forces me causes my heart to skip a beat only to start pounding so loud that I can't hear the breathing that I can feel upon my cheek.
"About time you woke up..." A soft yet cold soprano voice pierces my entire existence sending shivers down my spine and forcing me to shudder. Her voice makes my body immediately feel different, every nerve is awake, tense yet somehow soothed. I feel her lean even closer and her breath intoxicates me as it passes over my ear. She whispers very matter of fact-ly, "Now be a good boy and stay the fuck still... or I'll leave you here." Her voice dropped an octave as she said the last part of that comment. I become aware of the tension in my muscles release it letting my limbs fall slack. "That's a good boy."
Seconds pass but it feels like and eternity as I hear this strange woman moving some objects around on a table to my right. This seems to go on forever, the anticipation builds relentlessly driving me to a mad panic but I don't move, I don't make a sound. My body yearns for more air, I feel like I'm suffocating but I don't allow myself to breathe any faster. An eternity of this scraping and shuffling noise, then silence....
...another drip in the distance....
...silence... I'm losing my mind, what is she going to do to me? Am I going to die? Where will my body wind up being found? Who is this woman? The questions race incessantly through my manic mind, image after image flies by from people I know crying at my funeral to struggling futilely against cement blocks dragging me ankle first into the depths of the Mississippi.
Suddenly I feel a sensation. Something is dragging across my stomach from my naval upward toward my chest. It feels pointy, like a knife but not as sharp. The sensation slowly climbs my torso and crosses my chest closing in on my neck causing a panic to built in me as it gets closer and closer to my throat. "She's going to kill me," I think, "She's going to shove this thing through my throat..." My heart is racing, I'm no longer controlling my rapid breathing and I can almost feel the grin on my assailant's face. The blade finally stops just under my Adam's apple. "This is it," my mind tells me and I brace for my impending demise.
Then the familiar sound of scissors opening coupled by the sensation of the object becoming two on my throat let's me know what's been slowly dragging up my body. I feel two fingers grab at the collar of my shirt and the scissors begin to go to work cutting in little snips. For a moment I am both grateful to still be alive yet disappointed in having my shirt destroyed. The scissors scratch against my skin and occasionally poke me causing me to writhe as my shirt slowly gets cut away from my body. The air is becoming hostilely cold now but I know it's probably mostly in my mind. As one of her hands continues to cut, the other occasionally brushes my chest as she pinches and pulls gently at the cloth. Her touch is warm and exciting, it sends little electrical charges through me and I feel intoxicated and delirious with a kind of insatiable need for more. This continues till my shirt is in ribbons around me. Then I feel scissors on the ankles of my pants, but these are another pair. Someone else is cutting my pants off. I only just come to this realization when I feel scissors on my other pant leg. Three? How many people are in here with me? Who arranged this? How did I even get in here?
To be continued...

Got a new laptop.

I keep trying to post these astounding revelations I have all day long about so many fascinating things. Unfortunately I can't get half way through a paragraph before I find myself having several more interesting and groundbreaking epiphanies through the simple act of writing it down.
So how am I ever going to get it all down?
Today I realized why people all seem to be yelling at the world, whether it be about conservation, religion, activism, etc. Nearly everyone is crying out about something and doing their best to reach everyone they can with it. I understood why, then I understood the purpose and the psychological triggers, then in the middle of attempting to write why I realized the futility of making the attempt and how it was all part of something bigger and how that... you get my point.
I know someone who has taken up a torch I used to wield. This person had seemed for the longest time to have the potential of being so very interesting to me but recently I have decided that this may not be the case. At first she appeared to be so similar to me. She performs my old duties, she's also by-sexual, she's outspoken and strong and not hard on the eyes either. We're both anime fans and I relate to her choices in attire and friends as well.
However, she judges me as being a misogynist, assumes I want to get into her pants, complains every day without fail about everything from her job to her acquaintances and frequently bitches about men. Yet she models for a company I hold in the highest respect, she has more friends and ass kissers than I could ever hope to have. ...It occurs to me that I may just be jealous of what she has and how little she has to work to get it by comparison simply because she's a female. I find it offensive that she sits next to people I hold in the highest respect and lectures audiences of hundreds about the pains of being different when she has no clue how much worse it is for people who actually are different.
Anyway, at the time I realized how normal she really is. So many of us express ourselves as loudly as we can because we're so very terrified of not being heard. It makes sense, sociological paradigms program us to be competitive so we strive to be better than everyone else in any way we can. Some of us spread God, some of us preach about racial or sexual stereotyping, some compete in sports or in our careers, most of us do do all of the above. It makes us feel good about ourselves to have missions in life and goals to achieve.
Unfortunately most people are so busy yelling to the world about the injustices we feel are imposed upon us that no one is left not shouting to listen to the cries. I got tired of yelling years ago. I listen, but nobody can tell that I'm listening. Instead they think I'm patronizing and judging them. In the end it doesn't matter anyway, humans have a way of disregarding those who give us what we claim to want without many exception. For instance, a woman complains that every man only wants sex and none of them will truly listen to her. Except that she has a friend who's been in love with her for years and lets her cry on her shoulder every time her heart is broken. She will say that they are just friends and that she cannot ever see him that way. If she meets someone who does show her the respect she desires, she will question the person and ultimately decide that she deserves better for any number of transparent and irrelevant reasons. why am I listening? Why do I attempt to place myself within the glow of the personalities and stories within all these people? I already know them all so well, often better than they know themselves. They always manage to achieve complete predictability, especially those who claim to be different. When I show interest they assume that I'm inferior somehow, often because they misunderstood something I said and concluded something inaccurate about me.

Nothing further at this time.


I hate the double standards of today. I'm a good guy damnit! I may make an occasional mistake from time to time, but no more than most. I'm also more giving, considerate, patient, open minded, non-judging than any single person I've ever had an opportunity to meet. One person comes to mind that could have me beat, but he doesn't really count because he's like the one guy I know that's actually happily married and not fucking bat-shit... then again he might be.
My point is that, and more humility than anyone reading this will ever give me credit for, I can honnestly say that I've never met a less selfish or honnest person than myself. Everyone I have ever met is so unbearably selfish, and conceded, and judgmental of others to the point that I find myself offended and incapable of ignoring these qualities. Believe me, I've tried.
I'm getting off track here.
My point is that I go out of my way to be a good guy and yet constantly find others assuming that I have the most horrible motives. People accuse me of racism, sexism, perversion, every one of the seven deadly sins and I basically spend my whole life going out of my way to avoid giving anyone any reason to draw such conclusions.
That said, I'm like the only mother fucker out here that these judgements DON'T apply to. I crack jokes, but I don't actually believe I'm better than anyone. Yet every day I get judged by the guilty. Feminist, man hating lesbians constantly accuse me and all other pig men of being sexist! Yet we treat them better! Women demand equality, but they can flirt in the work place and turn around and sue a man for sexual harassment for saying nice dress. They also expect me to open the doors, pay for dates, make all the moves, do all the house repairs, yardwork, pay the bills... What I see is them crying out for equality when they really want is special treatment.
Every time I use the bus, I get to listen to black people say the most racist shit about how every cracker treats them. I've had a gun held against my head twice and I've seen two shootings, all four guns were in the hands of a black man. Mexicans used to trick me into trying extremely spicy thing and talk shit to my face growing up, thinking I couldn't understand spanish. Despite this, I'm not and never been a racist. I love racist jokes, but only because I love any horribly offensive joke.
It's always a fat guy who gives me shit for what I'm eating, god forbid I say the word 'Fatso' though. It's always the married guy that tells me how fucked marriage is, but don't say anything about his wife or he'll kill you!
I'm just bored stupid with people, how can I live a country like America and be surrounded by so many goddamn idiots? Seriously, this is the 21st century, I live in "the greatest country in the world," how is it that so many stupid ass people came to set the norm?
  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated

'It's me! Every girl ever'

It's me! Every girl ever.

Date: 2007-11-07, 10:38AM EST
[Errors when replying to ads?]

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

A crazy weekend...

Never have I had so many emotionally awakening experiences in such a short flicker in time. I had for many months made plans for the 4th of July weekend primarily to make every possible effort to right some much overdue wrongs. In fact, were it not for my desire to to offer my humility and humiliations to Melody, I very probably would not have gone to ConVergence 2011. It is no lie that I paid my eighty dollar membership just and only for her.
I have prayed for many months now for the simple opportunity to see her again after all these years just to tell her that I know now. I see now how much I took her for granted, how much I under-appreciated her, how much I belittled her and how very much I never deserved her friendship at all. She was literally the most incredible person I have ever had the good fortune to have shared my life with and the greatest mistake I ever made. Despite her ever so small and irrelevant shortcomings that I spent so much time and energy obsessing over, she was the greatest friend I ever had. I never disliked her company, she was amazing in ever important way. We enjoyed going places and engaging in any number of activities together from walks in the park to personal interests in music, friends and social events. I've never had more in common with any other human being and it tears me apart on a daily basis that I was such a douche bag that I don't even get to talk to her any more. I would give the world to just see her smile once more.
She is rarely in town and I would not have this opportunity to offer my amends for another year at the soonest. I don't know what I was expecting our first encounter after five years to be like, but I had hopes which were ultimately dashed. When I made the journey after that exhausting sunburned week of work to the hotel through bus and train and every curious variety of person, I was without words and filled with just as many colorful emotions tearing me every direction upon gazing at my long lost friend. More than anything I was filled with remorse and terror, yet somehow I managed to raise my hand in a friendly wave. I wanted to do so much more, I wanted to cry and beg for forgiveness, I wanted to embrace her the way we used to with every fiber of my being, I wanted crucify myself before her and offer any kind of hope to make amends for those terribly ways that I took her for granted. All that came through that petrifying moment of emotional turmoil was a hand and a slight smile of hope.
The terror was satisfied, the remorse took over and engulfed my entire being bringing me to tears as I was turned away with her own words. The voice I had longed to her for so many years, the sound of the angel before me cut me deeper than any blade as she told me to leave before a word could slip from between my lips. "I'm so sorry...God forgive me..." echoed in whispers through my lips as I staggered for what seemed like hours in a walk that took me a mere 50 feet. Even now as I type this in my ever so meaningless journal with so few remaining friends, all I can feel is the sea of sadness that I have swam in for so long.
I was by no means in the proper psychology for any more rejection when I was asked to meet another friend whom I have also owed amends. Eric and I haven't spoken for many years either and I frequently recalled my abrasive behavior in his presence so I had similar intentions for him this weekend. Yet all I could dwell on was how much I deserved such a reaction from Melody and how very terrible I felt for causing her such grief. "I did that!" came from me over and over as I cried like a fool before my old friend. "She is still hurting after all these years and it's my fucking fault!"
Perhaps it was pity that he expressed, perhaps it was genuine, but after I told him how I felt about how I had behaved in stupid drunkenness in front of his friends and family so many times, he insisted that no apology was owed. My new found sobriety alone was amends enough. Were I not unable to cease dwelling on the damage I had caused the most important person in this years plans for redemption, I may have been able to feel more gratitude in his forgiveness.
In the end though, his integrity may have been an illusion. During our conversation, he inquired about Jen's drug use and postulated that she doesn't deserve to parent her children. More disturbingly, he solidified a number of my suspicions about her affairs. I had found numerous condoms, we haven't made love in months and our relationship has been crumbling to ruins for years so I had already assumed despite Jen's repeated denial that she was sleeping around on me. Eric would then tell me with whom, how often and quite in-ragingly, how she bragged about it with complete disregard for what was once left of the relationship we no longer share.
There are no words to express the sheer hatred I felt in the hours following this conversation. I focused on as many different things as possible doing everything in my power to forget and to enjoy myself, but ultimately I had to find a place to put that pain. That night I meditated in solitude under a power line where I directed this frustration to a darker place where it could swelter and froth until I would later be willing to confront it. The day however, had only just begun and this wouldn't take place till well on into the evening.
I focused on a great many things and people, every time I would feel the sting of this pain creeping back into my mind, I was blessed with a distraction such as an old acquaintance or friend greeting me and inquiring about my life. There was no shortage of costumes to admire, themes to experience or snack food to gorge upon, but what kept this pain at bay was primarily another. I could not stop bringing myself back to places where I could admire my previous love. I would glance upon her again and again with obsessed worry. "She's having fun right? My presence here hasn't ruined the Con for her has it?" Thoughts of guilt continued to plague me, but somehow I found guilt more tolerable than hatred.
This went on all of Friday until she left and did not reappear for the rest of the Con. There was as much joy as there was pain during those small hours but in retrospect, I always seem to forget the joys and dell on the pains.
I had invited a new friend along and he arrived a few hours after I did so showed him around and introduced him to those that I knew. After several hours of allowing him to tag along though, we broke off and went our separate ways for a time. I found comfort in the arms of another friend of many years who's been there in my darkest hours while he enjoyed his freedoms.
This man was sober like me until this time. He had managed to acquire 9 months of sobriety but when I encountered him again that night after Melody's departure and my meditations over Jen, he was drunk with abandon. I knew that I was not responsible for his relapse, but still could not stop myself from feeling responsible for introducing him to the situation. The pain had returned in full and found myself on the brink of relapse again and again, it was both the terror of where it would take me and several small prayers that saved my sobriety in those moments, but I have my friends to thank in no small amount for keeping me there. I met with Gerbil and we were catching up when Gizmo came to me in a drunken stupor and congratulated me for things that I have never done.
Apparently I was the talk of my peers, everyone in one circle of friends knew that I had flushed some drugs down a toilet keeping a dear friend from using cocaine, I had had sex with her, and had gotten into fights with numerous people that day. This was all news to me and though I stressed the truth, it was clear that I was not going to be heard. The fallout of these rumors continue to plague me today. There is no gossip in the world like that which transpires among con-goers. I only hope that none of these lies have reached the ears of Melody, but I'm not foolish or naive enough to believe for a moment that they haven't.
I fought in utter futility to control the damage, but the fight was lost the moment it began. Ms. Brown was livid about the rumors regarding sex and drugs about her and seemed to have made up her mind about leaving the state as she had already been contemplating. Another old friend, Dan, was in utter dismay as he reflected upon the decisions he's made in his life and I sat with him in awe as I compared myself to him. We were not so unalike, I kept realizing that had I pursued my addictions as he does I would have found myself in his shoes by his age. A 19 year old girl confided in me her obsessions with a boy that took her virginity the previous year, never called and was now avoiding her at this year's. Her tears reminded me of my own when love seemed to meaningful and enticing at that age. She truly loved this boy with all the passion of a high-school sweetheart, yet couldn't stop blaming herself for his lack of interest.
Then I made the mistake of inserting an unclean contact in my eye. I had not changed the fluid since I used them on Halloween mistakenly thought that the fluid was still effective. Some bacteria had apparently grown in the case and then infected my eye, what I thought was a simple scratch would later bring me to the emergency room in sheer agony where the doctor told me I may never regain full eyesight again.
The pain was indescribable. The night before, I had been kept awake with what felt like shards of glass stuck to the inside of my eye lid abrading my cornea. After several hours, I finally drifted off and awoke feeling better Sunday morning. It still hurt but the pain was remarkably lessened. That is until I opened my eye.
A spoonful of tear fluid poured out releasing the cushion it had formed under my lid raising it off the surface of my eyeball and the pain returned in abundance. I was immediately rushed to the emergency room and walked in complete blindness to the doctor. She gave me a drop of eye numbing solution and I moaned in blissful relief as I could once again open and peer through my blind eye. The world appeared as if I was seeing it through a frosted glass window only able to make out the blurry silhouettes of the people talking to me. I could only recognize the professionals of Fairview hospital by their voices. After some prescriptions for antibiotics and pain medications I was sent on my way with three more doses of numbing drops for the road.
I returned to the Con one last time to grab the last of my belongings and say goodbye to the few remaining friends.
For every down there was an equal up and for every low, a high. I will remember this weekend as one of the best experiences of my life. Perhaps next year I will have another opportunity to talk with Melody and tell her how much I still love her, don't blame her for a thing and am nothing but grateful that I got to enjoy having her in my life if only for a brief time. In the mean time, I pray that whatever pain I've caused her subsides and she allows me to do whatever I can to take the rest of it away. I truly am sorry.

It has been nearly two weeks since ConVergence 2011, my eye is all but back to normal, my friends all on their separate paths once again and the memories and emotions of a crazy weekend racing through my mind like the withdraw from drug. I can't wait to do it all over again next year!
  • Current Music
    Thunder in the distance

Embracing the Chaos (Introduction-Chapter1)

For those of us who have delved into the writings of Peter Carrol and found ourselves thirsting for more than simply a magical practicing system, here lies the path to a faith drawn entirely from the tenants of CMT. Call it a religion of Chaos if you will as it marries all current understandings of modern physics, biology and history with every religion along with numerous time tested philosophies. However the main subject matter of this book is not limited entirely to Chaos.
It has been my firm and long standing belief that despite the arguments from any form of fundamentalism, one can only honor God by striving to know who he or she is. In the modern age of science and understanding, even the most devout believer finds himself struggling with faith in one form or another. It is difficult even for the best of us to simultaneously find complete faith in both evolution and scripture without wild interpretations. This book attempts to bridge the gaps. Whether you are Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Islamic, Pagan Jewish or Atheist, my hope is that you will find solace the pages that follow as they illustrate a non-hostile means of simultaneously finding truth in all religion and faiths.
This book aims to allow the reader to walk with their head high, able to simply answer "Yes," when a member of any denomination asks whether or not they believe in God. For there is truth in every book and there is compelling evidence for God's existence in the sheer number of us that subscribe to one regardless of title.
If this book achieves no other end, I will be grateful beyond words that you've learned how to accept and embrace all faiths around you.

Chapter 1

Chaos Magic Theory (CMT) states that we are subject to the realities of our own psyches. Our subconscious minds literally create the world we live in and through disciplined practice, we can in essence affect causality. The paradigm of our lives can be altered at will and through numerous means, we can literally control our destinies.
This is part of our purpose on earth in fact. Chaos theory tells us that as observers we solidify the world around us into our perceptions. A subatomic particle can be in numerous places at once, fluctuating in and out of reality in every sense of the word until observe it directly. The particle then snaps into a specific location until we look away at which point it reverts back to it's naturally chaotic state or in-existence. As observers, we literally cause the universe to exist in it's current state. Simultaneously, the universe continues to exist in every other probability as well. We are in essence observers of only one infinitesimally small fraction of the numerous realities existing in and around us.
One could argue that this is a mechanism of God's influence. Perhaps God leaves everything up to chance until the moment we encounter it and then solidifies our world around us just long enough for us to experience it. Whatever your perceptions of this may be, the argument is the same.
We, as observers exist to observe and record. The human brain records down to the detail, every image, sound and experience we encounter. Our only inability in recalling this constant record of information are simply due the limitations of our own hippocampus. In short, our higher minds recall and understand everything we've ever encountered but our conscious minds function as if trudging through mud by comparison.
Imagine, if you will, that your subconscious mind is everything you perceive God to be in regards to knowledge. In fact, your own limitations as a human being make this analogy more true than you probably realize as it knows and understands everything you can possibly imagine and more than ever gave it credit for. For the most part, if you pray regularly, you're communicating not to "God" but to your own mind which then effects causality directly manifesting your prayers in what can be interpreted as miraculous ways.
This is not to say that praying is useless or that prayers go unheard, quite the contrary, in fact praying may very well be the most important you'll ever do.
In my understanding, there are two Gods. The first is the God we believe in, worship, converse with and pray to. This God in may cases gets dismissed as inaccurate by members of opposing faiths and differs even in local communities from person to person. Let's face it, everyone has a different perception of God even if you go to the same place of worship and read from the same scriptures. This is because our understanding is limited to our own experiences in life and our "God" can only be as great as our minds allow.
Then there's another God, a creator by whom I shall refer to as "Chaos" throughout the rest of this book in the spirit of Peter J. Carroll who pioneered the concept. The term is free from the limitations of any attached dogma, it implies that which cannot be understood and which is infinite and it refers to to our greatest understanding of the paradigm of the universe itself. It cannot be reduced down to words of common interpretation and allows for the view of God as a force rather than an entity which is inherently limiting to the mind.
Try to view Chaos as something like an Akashic Record, a concept was derived from Hindu philosophy of Samkhya. Essentially, everything in existence is data flowing through the mind of God. All mater is made of energy and energy is really nothing more than a vibration or wavelength in the fabric of existence. That existence could be seen as the mind of "God" and the vibration as it's thoughts. Our very existence is in and of itself nothing more than the dream inside the mind of a meditating God.
This offers a clue to the age old question as to our purpose. As observers with free will we perceive reality with a relative perspective that is unique to each of us. As we live and learn, we collect data and interpret in our own unique means and this knowledge is expanded remarkably when we collaborate with our fellow observers. This information is unique to each individual and only continues to grow in depth with age.
Like energy, this information cannot be destroyed, it can be converted, but it is never lost. The accumulated knowledge of a lifetime is in essence downloaded into the akashic record upon our expiration. "We become one with God" if you will. We are freed of all earthly desires, we will know only peace and understanding and there is no greater joy than becoming one again with your creator. What this experience is for Chaos, on the other hand, is a method of growing. We are literally walking fragments of the mind of our creator learning through experience to eventually pass on our accumulated knowledge to Chaos to help it grow.
This is why sin is "bad." They prevent us from growing and learning and seduce us into static obsession with indulgence. Once a desire or addiction begins to take control of the mind, it inhibits us from growing spiritually. This may lead to any number of unwanted results.
The pagans refer to this mechanism as Karma. When a person casts a spell of dubious intent, this law returns the damage to them three fold. In fact, this mechanism is no punishment so much as it is a teaching instrument. Chaos will attempt to educate you in every step of your life, this is why you always seem to have new problems to deal with every time you finally muster up the courage and will to address the last ones that came along. You must find the inner strength to tackle your challenges head on if you wish to overcome them. Attempting to use magic or prayer to make them go away on their own will always backfire. When a pagan attempts black magic, what they're doing is ignoring the need within themselves to embrace acceptance and overcome their own adversity.
One of the main tenants of chaoism is that we always learn to change and to embrace the chaos. This is the fundamental reason as to why the magical workings of a chaoist are so much more effective than other methods of spells or prayers. Our spells target our own subconscious minds directly and specifically in a way that is simply unparalleled. The only thing that a man has any real control in this world over is himself.
By altering your perception of reality, the probability factor can be manipulated to produce another fractal along a more desirable tangent. In other words, what your beliefs are dictate reality and by altering your beliefs down to the subconscious level, you can literally manipulate cause and affect and even reality itself.
However, in order to practice magic properly, you must first understand it.
Pagans believe that magic is much the same as prayer but in a more direct and specific method. Essentially prayer is seen as asking God to use ethereal energy to accomplish a goal. In paganism, magic is accomplished by attempting to manipulate this energy either directly or with the assistance of any number of entities. Though each pagan subscribes to a uniquely different concept of a higher power, the success rate is about the same. That is slightly more successful than simple prayer.
This poses an interesting question. "Why do prayers to differing gods have similar success rates?" The answer is both simple and complex. That is, if you understand what prayer and magic is truly accomplishing then the outcome of any attempt can be very accurately predicted nearly all of the time. However, if you subscribe to faith that simply states that all prayer is the same, the outcome may and very likely will be entirely unpredictable.
Remember that there are two different forms of God. The first form is that of what your brain perceives God to be, the second is more grandiose, all seeing, all knowing but infinitely complex entity that cannot be understood on any logical level. Though you may consider your higher power to be these things, what few people take into account is that such a being is not reachable through conventional prayer. This may seem like unjustified speculation but the evidence is literally everywhere, including every known form of scripture.
To understand this, we must attempt to understand exactly the concept of "God's will" means. There is a significant difference between what many people interpret this to mean and no two people may agree. Often people perceive God as an invisible man like entity who exists on a separate plane than us with a will that influences our lives directly. They see him/her as taking specific interest in our lives and deciding what paths lie ahead of each of us. In truth, this is both impossibly incorrect as well as remarkably accurate and I shall try my best to describe why.
What God truly is is a force. It is the fabric in which the entirety of reality resides. The Bible says that one of the first things God created was a "firmament" and then went on to create rock and air and water. This is not untrue. That firmament is the very fabric of existence itself upon which all the tiny vibrations we call energy or strings which compose all mater in existence reside. It is the very fabric of existence itself which could be seen as this "firmament." Such a phenomenon is both universal as well as nearly impossible to truly perceive, thus making it "infinite" to the human mind as it exists on an infinitely small as well as an infinitely large scale. It is the universe in which our universe exists. This is the phenomenon more and more people perceive to be God through their own free will. It is the conclusion that most people ultimately make when attempting continue to believe in God without ignoring science. It is no coincidence that so many people perceive nature, or the universe itself to be God. We are drawn to such a conclusion because it is a universal truth. Yet it is still only a small fraction of the story.
All of existence, that is every particle of matter, light or dark energy, every force such as gravity or heat or life itself, every measure of time and space is but small fraction of an infinitely complex dream in the smallest corner of the mind of an entity so great that it cannot possibly be understood by the simple minds of humanities most intelligent geniuses. To even attempt in doing so would be nothing more or less than an insult to such an entity.
Thus the will of such an entity cannot possibly be understood. All one can do is to understand that if such an entity does in fact have a "plan" then it is inescapable for us and it does not matter what we do, it's all ultimately "God's will" that we are bound to in the end. This is not to suggest that free will is an illusion, in fact it is the most powerful tool we have to be of use to God.
The will of God could be seen as a reactive force that moves and gives like water with each of our decisions. When we choose to walk a direction on the intricate web of forks and turns on the road of life, the will of Chaos immediately compensates to effect us in the most educational ways. Remember that we are here for a purpose and that is to learn. Ultimately everything we learn will absorbed by the universe and we will become one with God so his nature is to keep us struggling and learning in life.
This is the fundamental reason behind the concept of "sin." The seven deadly sins are all obsessions and thus inhibitors. When food, money, laze, hatred, ego, sex, or jealousy seduce our minds and become the obsessions known as gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, pride, lust or envy, they are sin. When these obsessions control our actions and thoughts, it prevents us from growing spiritually and ultimately from learning what the universe is attempting to teach us. Each religion has a different perspective on the same force of nature which is ultimately here to guide us in life. Christianity refers to it as being "Godly." We must all pay attention to the morals in the stories of these books and not the details as to why they are inaccurate.
Most educated people know that there is and never was enough water on Earth to flood the entire planet, but the story of Noah still has a very real moral. As a Chaoist, it is up to you to find it and draw your own unique interpretations. Be careful however not to slip into morbid or unfavorable views because of a distaste for a passage here or there. By dwelling on such negativity you only close yourself off to the true goal which is to make every effort to gain knowledge. It is this tendency that ultimately leads to an unhealthy distaste for religion and you must overcome this shortcoming and elevate yourself to a new level of understanding. I shouldn't have to explain why life can be so much more enriching without excluding yourself from a particular group based on unhealthy biases.
With this new understanding of the entity we call "God" one may struggle to understand why we need pray at all. This brings us back to the first interpretation of God of which I only momentarily touched on. This is where true chaoism takes on a different face entirely from that of every other form of faith. We believe that the subconscious mind is the true key to our most important power.
The human mind is truly and incredible thing. It has recorded and understood, on a level you will very probably never truly grasp, every single sight, sound, and experience you've ever encountered since your birth. The subconscious mind recalls everything and has the amazing ability to understand it more thoroughly than you'll ever know. It is for all intensive purposes, God. It is all seeing, all knowing and infinite. It is the source for our spiritual strength and the entity that is always listening when we pray. Some times we behave in ways that we cannot understand. We will quite often take actions that are seemingly completely contrary to our logic and nature. When we believe in any specific God, we unknowingly begin to immediately align our psyche with the interpretations we have that entity's perceived will.
By believing in the teachings of Jesus, for example, we unknowingly begin to behave more along the line of how we believe Jesus would behave in similar circumstances.
Furthermore, when we pray or cast spells or meditate, we are in direct communication with our own subconscious minds in the most effective ways. When we perceive an entity greater than ourselves and ask it directly for a cause, we are in essence programming our subconscious minds to believe new things. What few understand is that it is our subconscious that is directly tied to the ethereal realm, or the akashic record. In other words, our minds are directly tied to a higher mind which is directly tied to God's mind. This is the reason some spells and prayers do work and others do not. We are not capable of direct communication with the spiritual plane, our subconscious can, but we cannot. This is why children seem to have deeper connections with the spiritual realm as well as they have yet to develop their conscious minds to align with reality on the physical plane.
Unfortunately, many of us also take great offence when the validity of our beliefs are challenged. This is because we subconsciously attempt to defend our paradigms. We assume that what we have come to understand is true and then base behaviors and ideas upon those "truths" and a challenge to such a concept means the complete reorganizing and reconstruction of the very personality we have come to hold as our identities.
True chaoists, however, should strive to play like a child with play-doe with our own psyches. It is not uncommon for a chaoist to become a completely different person from one moment to the next. In fact it is the greatest tool for maintaining our sanity. For instance, if we find ourselves passing judgement on a religious group, to use one of but many possible examples, we will quite often completely align our views and beliefs with said religion and completely convert. Then, when a desirable degree of understanding is reached and we find that we can no longer look down upon it, we remarry our new found understanding with our old and reach yet another level of wisdom.
By doing this, we achieve several goals. First, we relieve ourselves of potential hindering character defects which is crucial for anyone who wishes to practice magic. We also acquire new resources for greater spell casting, such as new entities to call upon for any number of specific purposes. By opening ourselves up to other belief structures, we grow spiritually as well as intellectually while granting ourselves the valuable ability to relate to those around us more intimately rather than judge. Finally, and in my opinion more importantly, the removal of resentments, frustrations, judgments and hatred of any kind not only leads to a more spiritually peaceful existence, it promotes an overall healthier and positive psychology which allows us to enjoy life more effectively.
Another commonality between many varying religions is the concept free will. Speaking psychologically, the only person you have any control over is yourself. Pagans see any spell cast in an effort to change another person's will as black magic. This is not far from the truth. Ultimately the most powerful magic one can cast is upon themselves. It is far more effective to pray for patience than for more obedient children. You are far more likely to have success if instead of casting a love spell upon another person, you cast one upon yourself to open your heart to more compatible people. The greatest power we have is our own ability to change. Embrace it and run with it. The more you learn and let flow through you without clinging to concepts or ideas, the closer you shall come to true wisdom.

My perspective, for those who give a shit...

She recoils from me like a child from a monster. From the topics I discuss to the intimate caress, from the activities we used to enjoy together to the pleas for attention from her own sons. She recoils when I try to express my love, she cringes when I beg her to participate in life. She has recoiled so much from everything me and everything family and everything responsibility that she is no longer Jen. All that is left of the once empowered woman who's thirst for life and diverse interests rivaling my own is a job who's only purpose is to fuel addiction. Her dedication to her work goes as far as her own drug use, her WOW, and her trinkets and toys.

She provides no food, clothing or security for her children, no motherly compassion, no joy at all. She has become nothing more than the 'grease monkey,' obcessed with cars and vices, recoiling from everything that I embrace from science to philosophy, from nature walks to parrenting, from intimacy to understanding. She is nothing more than cars, World of Warcraft, weed and gossip. She has recoiled so much from all that is me, that there is literally nothing left of the Jen that I once loved.

There is no way that something like this could be by mistake. The only possibility for such a transformation of such extremes to become exactly everything that I feel an aversion to is blatant distaste for me. Jen detests me so much that over the years she has become everything that I detest and nothing that I do not.

The only way that I can make sense of such behavior is through her peers. Despite all that I provide, despite all her shortcomings that I make up for, despite all the painful neglect toward her family that I sacrifice my life on a daily basis to repair, she has found a way to blame me for her shortcomings.

She spends all her money on herself and blames me when her children go without for not providing enough. She neglects her children and then blames me for her son's behavioral problems by attacking my parenting. She neglects our relationship and then blames me for our problems when I try calling her on it by accusing me of being an asshole.

The only explanation for such behavior is embarrassment. It's no surprise that Jen refuses to work on, or even admit, her shortcomings. What has happened is that she has vented her half-truth, delusional perspectives on her the only people stupid enough to still be her friends after being manipulated in this way for so many years.

Now the only people who call her friend are those who still buy her bullshit. To them, I must seem like an ungrateful mooch who drains all her money, doesn't respect her, has no accountability or integrity and won't get a real job. To them, I'm the villain who's taking advantage of this poor defenseless, hard-working mother. Little do they know, it is them and I who are the victims. Sure, I have my shortcomings, but all of them stem from or are entirely due to my fruitless efforts to get Jen to love her family. It's not difficult to see how one can become insane trying endlessly without reward to get back the woman you've fallen in love with only to be rewarded with further neglect.

What's pathetic is that Jen has now not only begun to buy her own bullshit, she has actually become embarrassed by the concept of her friends believing that she is attracted to me. Her tales of fantastic drama regarding how much of a horrendous person she's illustrated me as being have her friends wondering why she's wasting her time with such a pathetic excuse of a human being such as myself. Even if she hadn't become convinced of her own manipulations and deluded about her part in all of this, she would still not be able to make an effort toward repairing our relationship. It's too late. She's already convinced all her friends that I'm the bogeyman, if she did actually face reality and accepted me for who I am, she would be exposed as the liar she is, or humiliated as the girl who wound up taking back the world's worst man. Frankly, I'm not in the slightest torn apart by the notion of once again being free of the lying, manipulative, user known as Jen.

Despite all of this, I'm the only person who has seen her true colors and still loves her. Everyone else(especially Alana) are either oblivious to Jen's true behavior or despise her adamantly. Every single person who's lived with us and seen Jen first hand are in complete agreement about her and urge me regularly to "get the fuck away from that leech."

Here's the thing, I've ignored every one of these advisors; my closest friends,
and every one of my family members, and even Jen's closest friends. Instead I gave Jen every ounce of faith that I could muster and every opportunity to prove these people wrong. It truly is a shame that she has failed so spectacularly at showing me the same level of integrity. Were it not for the opinions or her deluded friends, who unlike my friends have never seen us living together first hand, she might actually have some clarity in her life about who I really am. Now she's so wrapped up in her delusions that she can't seem to see me for the person I really am any longer. Even when I reach out to her, she simply accuses me of having impure motives. I may have my flaws, but I'm not lazy or selfish and I've never wanted anything other than to do the right thing. I wish with all my heart to work through our problems but I simply don't see how that's possible when I'm the only person she won't trust or talk to.

I've worked my fingers to the bone, sacrificing every penny for this family while Jen came home demanded special treatment and ostracized her own children day after day with no regard for the fact that I work just as hard as her yet dedicate all of my money to the home and expect nothing but the bare minimum. I sat there as she bashed me to her mother accusing me of leaving her for another woman. I refused to defend myself and explain that it was because she sucked her coworker's dick and let him fuck her in the ass after I begged her not for weeks because I didn't feel like I had the right to hurt a mother-daughter relationship even with the truth. Then, a few weeks ago I find out she's been buying pounds of weed from my sister from across the US through the mail and dealing, and for some reason, my own sister is talking trash on me and keeping secrets. She promised three times to pay me back the college tuition I spent on her rent and bills with her tax returns and I watched as she spent it on drugs and material possessions for herself. Now she's convinced that because she actually contributed an equal share for three and a half months around here that she magically owes me nothing and that I'm the mooch.

So why am I showing such restraint? Why should I keep my mouth closed any longer? She's only going to use my silence against me anyway when she takes my boys with her to Coon Rapids so she can be closer to shitty excuse for a job she only works so she can afford t fix her 'brick' and gout to parties!

So here's the bottom line. This post isn't here to make enemies or allies. I'm not asking anyone to stop being Jen's friend or to side with me in the upcoming separation. I don't want anyone to pass judgement on her, I just want the truth to be known. There is no good guy here. We are both equally shitty people who failed just as spectacularly to do what we were supposed to do. I tried, but failed and no matter what my intentions were, the end result is still the same.

All I ask here is that you stay out of our shit. You don't have to be involved to be a friend. You can listen to her vent without passing judgement and just because I won't reduce myself to "venting" like she does and will, doesn't mean that I have any less to vent about. There is nothing that you can do to hurt me more than I'm about to hurt and no matter what I've done that you disagree with, I don't deserve what's coming anyway. She's taking my boys to another city and despite all the shitty things she does, I'll never be able to get custody of them in this state. I've seen heroine addicts who've beaten their children win custody battles again and again against respectable, sober men with steady careers.

Believe me when I say that Jen's going to win no matter what I do. I just hope that through this, she's forced to be the parent she's failed to be all this time and learns to grow the fuck up and take some responsibility in life. I pray that her mother stops picking up her messes for her and her friends see though this how little she does and push her into being the parent these children deserve.

God damnit!

1) The only opinions about my relationship with Jen that matter are those of people who have actually lived with us and seen her behavior and mine first hand. Fortunately for Jen I have more integrity than she does and ignored every family member and friend who slandered her over and over again and made the most horrible predictions about her that would actually later prove to be accurate. If you're talking to Jen about our relationship and you haven't even seen me in more than a year, then you really need to shut the fuck up because your advice is coming from ignorance.

2) Numbers don't lie. Jen's convinced, apparently because she cannot add, that she's been paying all my bills for me but nothing could be further from the truth. In fact it was only two months ago that I stopped bringing in my share of the rent. November I was short 30 bucks as was Jen, December and January I had no work. So in total Jen's covered $680 worth of my rent which is about 1/3rd of what we have to cover in groceries and utilities she won't pay. Let's not get into toys and clothes for the children that she ignores or the fact that I never buy anything for myself, I just give her what I don't spend on the boys. Where as she has been making Dad cover her lacking to the tune of well over a grand between groceries and bills she hasn't paid because she's convinced that maintaining her truck is more important than feeding her children. She thinks she's contributing more money than me, but that's only because she can't add and regularly forgets or outright dismisses things she doesn't want to be aware of.

I've been doing my best to make these bitching about Jen private. I have occasionally forgotten set the "Just Me" with obviously negative results, but this time I'm posting it out in the open for everyone to see because Jen does the same thing. If she wants to talk shit about me on Facebook where all of our friends ad families can see it, then why shouldn't my oldest and closest friends be able to read my genuine thoughts about exactly that situation?

Here's the bottom line. There is not one person who has actually seen us living together who did not agree with me entirely about every one of my concerns about Jen and her laziness. The only people who have disagreed with me have done it entirely behind my back while telling me something totally different to my face I have no reason to respect those opinions because she didn't either when they came from my actual family who wanted to call her daughter.
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