mjolner (mjolnier) wrote,

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Growing up

Sometimes we decide to make changes in our lives, sometime the changes just come. I have created this account to monitor my mental changes over the years and draw from what I've learned over the course of my practices in chaoism. After reflecting upon the previous writings in this journal, I have realized that no matter how prepared we are to learn or to grow for the better, we are subject to our own growth. We hinder ourselves by being overzealous and unable our own growth by being able to relax. My nature is to strive for improvement, and I have seen that when I have grown tired of trying to achieve a goal and I move on to the next objective in my life, I am the GIVEN what I had spent so much of my time trying to achieve before.
It's really strange how some things never come to you. I spent the majority of my youth trying to be like all of you. I had been deemed strange by one child and the rest of you seemed to follow him in avoiding me until I gave up at being the same. After studding psychology, observing human behavior, and researching countless social disorders for over twelve years before even graduating from high school, I only started to get along with people hen I stopped trying.
I don't recall a single individual that didn't fear me save for family members, they just thought I was evil in the satanic sense. Countless attempts at socializing only to make enemies, people of all ages avoided me, I was sent to the principal’s office, had the cops called on me and even went to jail on occasion just because I made people nervous. Until one day it just stopped. I had quit trying to get along with people for about a year and before I realized it I was sitting among my friends having a discussion on the practicality of string theory.
How did this happen? Why am I normal now? What did I do differently that made me less intimidating? To this day, it still prods at my head. I have never been able to diagnose what it was that I had that made me unusual. Perhaps I never will.
I have recently made a realization. It's not so much that I learned a new thing, but that I re-learned it. For the last four or five years, I have noted a steadily increasing growth of bad luck over the course of my winters followed be a remarkably improved luck in the summers. Each year, I loose all my money, my cars all beak down within a few weeks of each other, and on occasion, I have even become homeless for short periods only for it to all un-do itself in the following summer. What's worse is that anyone that I relied upon financially speaking will go through the same thing until we part ways. Now I am anything but a superstitious individual, but there's just too much happening to believe it's purely coincidence. I have tried countless remedies to improve my luck to no avail. However recently, an acquaintance of mine had pointed out that I sure brag allot about my bad winter luck.
It was then that I realized that even though I don't particularly appreciate the bad things that happen to me, I do love the 'concept' that I have horrible luck in the winters. The subconscious mind is a powerful thing, and if I believe that I will have a bad winter on a subconscious level, I probably will. I just didn't realize the extent of my subconscious’s capability. It's rather humiliating to realize that two of your cars went through transmitions and the other car got repossessed because you get bored with being normal.
You may not see any connections between the first and last part of my entry tonight, but if you’re into chaoism, you will. I have learned that the power of belief affects us in a much stronger way than we like to think it can. If we believe in it, it becomes as real as we are willing to believe it can be.
The trick is to learn how to believe.

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