Today I woke up at 6 to TJ knocking on his door to be let out to use the bathroom. I have to lock him in his room or he'll sneak around and steak anything he can while we're not looking. I'm consumed with hatred for Jen as I climb over her to leave the bed and let her son out for her, wait till he's done, lock him back in and lie back down.
I used to curl around her each morning after this routine in the hopes that she would wake up just this once and look me in the eyes and smile at me or even hug me good morning, but she never did, so now I don't curl around her anymore. She hasn't seemed to notice.
She then wakes me up repeatedly over the next few hours to shout at the top of her lungs for the kids to "Knock it off!" and eventually gets up whining "I just want to sleep!" as she storms off toward the boys room to yell at them to stop fighting, then comes back to bed and falls asleep.
Once again, I climb over her and serve the boys toast with jelly because we're out of cereal and Jen can't be bothered to wake up at 9:37 to go to the store so that her children can eat breakfast. Like all the mornings before this one, I am consumed by my frustration and hatred for this woman and bitch the whole time as I set out some jellied toast and some V8 Splash for my sons.
Now at this point, I used to climb back into bed and curl around her again, but today I sat down and started sketching again in the comic book I'm working on.
She didn't seem to notice.
Instead, she woke up at 10:45, smoked a bowl, complained about her mouth hurting, got dressed, went to the store and dropped off the groceries moments before leaving 35 minutes late for work. Now usually she's not late leaving for work, but the routine is basically the same for me every morning.
I wake up and let out her son to "go potty," I feed them breakfast, try to wake her up with my body, eventually give up, or she just wakes up and pops out of bed to disappear into the bathroom for half an hour without so much as a glance in my direction. She gets dressed and puts her makeup on which conveniently consumes all her time(except for an occasional WoW instance) before she has to leave for work.
When she comes home tonight, I will have straightened up from the previous night when she invited Josh over to smoke herb till 1 in the morning like I usually do, I'll have fed her children a full on dinner, saved some sides for her put our children to bed, and I'll be cooking another dinner for her. She'll eat the meal unless she's had Burger King or Jimmy John's on her way home and then she'll invite Josh over and disappear into her WoW on the other couch until she's ready to go to bed at 3 in the morning.
There is no sex life, I get laid once or twice a month just before her period. It's always JUST a day or two before her period and it's always boring as hell. She never touches me and when she does, her hand disappears behind her pillow until we're done and she gets up to wash it off. It's only a dick.
She doesn't wash herself before making love, it's always after and we only ever have sex in the doggy style so I can't look at her, she hasn't touched her mouth to any part of my body below the chin for over two years.
I shower twice a day, I'm meticulous about my hygiene and I won't even let her touch me if I feel dirty so it's entirely psychological.
This is the best part, every single time I've ever brought any of this up to her, she just becomes defensive, fights me kicking and screaming, calls me names, throws shit and eventually storms off without listening to anything I've said from the beginning with a completely misinterpreted understanding of what I wanted from her in the first place.
Oh, and god forbid you use the "D" word around her. Suggesting that she's delusional is about like calling Hancock an "Asshole" but here's the thing, SHE IS delusional! She's one of those girls that's got a great body but a face like the 'wicked witch of the west' with a bad meth habit. Her teeth are fucked up, her nose is exactly like the wicked witch of the west's her cheeks are sunken in, her eyes are dark like a holocaust victim and her forehead has an ass crack in it when she gets angry. I've never even suggested that I've noticed any of these flaws in the four years we've been together, but she's still got massive insecurities aver them so she keeps sabotaging the relationship subconsciously.
In other words, she hates herself so much that she can't understand why a guy like me would be interested in her so she's decided that I'm not the guy I appear to be at all, but rather a total piece of shit that only pretends to be nice to people and do nice things for everyone to con them.
I'm apparently a pervert, cause nobody on earth really wants to have sex once or more a week right? I'm a deadbeat, despite the fact that every dime I've made in the last five years has gone to women so that they can spend it on sushi, weed or whatever crap that those women decided right then and there that they suddenly could no linger live without. I'm a deadbeat because all that money I earned and then gave to these women right away wasn't enough. I'm a loser because I've never lived on my own, I've always lived with a woman that wanted me to move in with her instead. Any time I want to talk about problems in our relationship, what I'm apparently really doing is attacking Jen passive aggressively for some reason. When I get upset at her because she won't get up and feed her own son, I'm being lazy and I'm really angry because I didn't get laid first thing in the morning.
That's what I mean by delusional. She misinterprets my behavior, actions and emotions constantly to the point where she completely misunderstands me altogether and knows me as someone that I've never been in my life. Stretch this out across the days and over the years and you'll start to see how fucked our relationship is. No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be doing nice things for her so that she can say "You didn't do that for me! You did that for yourself you liar!"
I wrote this to be a simple Bad-Sex post, but instead it's going into my journal because I apparently can't talk about Jen without it becoming a rant the length of a college paper on sociology.