October 18th, 2007


I'm not okay right now...

I don't know what to do right now except post in my livejournal, but I have to do something. I can't sleep, I can't eat but I can't go anywhere either. My whole world has been turned upside down in what seems like the blink of an eye.
I was away on a business trip for the last two days. I didn't know what she was doing. I came back to Albuquerque tonight at 9:00, she said her back was hurting. She was helping her friend move into her new house and over-did it a little. The heavy lifting, the smoke, the stress...
I decided to shave my head again tonight, I grew my hair out because too many people at work were giving me shit but I decided that I like it better this way. I told Jen this and about the guys at work and she said "Fuck them, do what ever you like," she's such a good girl, she always supports me and my decisions. So, I'm in the bathroom with her cutting off the majority of my hair with my big scissors when she declares that she's having trouble breathing due to her asthma and she needs to go sit down for a while. I continue to cut my own hair for a while until I hear her call me into the living room where she tells me that she's going to take a nebulizor and if she gets any worse, I'll have to call 911.
I wind up calling the paramedics, she's barely able to move or even talk. The man tells me to make her breath from her nebulizor until the ambulance arrives. At first she refuses claiming that she's getting her breathing under control but he keeps insisting. Jen starts breathing from her neb and immediately things get worse. The last thing I heard her say was "They need to get here now!" I then watched as she gradually inhaled less and less air, her mouth distorting into an O, her face becoming pale and her lips turning purple. I can still see her eyes wide as if she was trying to scream for help through them.
The paramedics arrived and entered the living room just in time for me to see her fall to the right with her limbs convulsing. Then there was a million things going on at once and before I knew it she was strapped down to a stretcher with a dozen hoses hanging off of her from every which end and they were taking her away. I don't even know which Hospital they took her to.
Now she's gone and I don't know what to do now. If I see her again, I swear never to take a single moment with her for granted ever again. If not... I don't know.