July 25th, 2008



When I was thirteen years old I fell in love. I was little more than a week into puberty, or so it seems, when I met her. It was as innocent as it could have been, I was eating lunch and talking to a girl I liked when April sat with us. I had never seen her though out the school year thus far and she seemed as average as any girl could be upon first glance so I continued to ask the first girl, Missy, out to the Halloween dance.
At the dance I had fun, I learned to dance like the other kids did at that age and I had punch and cookies. Life was good. Missy wanted to dance with her friends to some pop music and I didn't know how to so April offered to show me. I didn't really quite get it but when the next song came on I knew just what to do. It was "As Long As You Love Me" by The Backstreet Boys. I pulled her into me and we slow danced for what seemed like forever. The moment I caught the smell of her skin it was like the whole picture of who she was came into focus at that moment and I was lost in her beauty. I still remember how her touch seemed to empower me and paralyze me at the same time and how I thought that my knees might buckle and I would fall if I wasn't floating on a cloud. I know that's a bit cliché' but I want you to know what I felt.
It took me a year and a half to muster up the strength to ask her out and when I finally did I had been beaten by a day and Dan got the honor of being her first love. Then I moved and was away when someone else picked up the pieces of her heart that Dan had broken. Mike wound up marrying her and she had a little boy with him. Through all of this I heart ached with a pain like none other that I have ever felt. I watched helplessly as Mike took everything I loved about her and changer her from a passionate fiery woman that wanted to do and see wonderful things with her life into a beaten down house wife. She lost her passion and her will to fight and all the other traits that made her so special and she became just like all the other women I‘ve courted.
It's been 2,500 miles, thirteen years and about three hundred bottles of Jack Daniels since I fell for her and I still love her as much as ever despite her changes. I have spent my time looking for someone that could make me feel the way she did but I never have and somewhere along the way I've lost hope. I no longer believe that anyone out there could make me as happy as she did.
April has never left my thoughts and of all the girls that I may mention throughout my life she has never stopped being the girl that has my heart. She's made everyone a runner up in my life and as such I've hurt a lot of girls because of it.

Recently I was in California and I was looking for her. I searched through the phone books and the internet and I couldn’t find her. I did this for one of two reasons, I hoped that getting reacquainted with her would show me a few things about her that I missed due to my youth and then I could finally get over her and move on with my life. The other reason I wanted to get reacquainted with her was to try once more to earn her love now that I’ve spent the last thirteen years bettering myself psychologically, socially, physically, etc. just so that one day I could hopefully be worthy of her love. If I were to have done the latter, it means that I would have walked away from my current girlfriend as well as my sons and when I think about it, I would have done it.
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I have been doing some inner searching for a long time now and I occasionally come up with something that worries me. It's usually something very unexpected and yet completely obvious and it can sometimes be hard for me to deal with. I'm typing this as fast as I can so that I can get it out so bare with me.
I recently came back into contact with an old friend of the family. She was once considered to be my cousin and I still refer to her as such despite the fact she is in no way related to me. My half brother has a cousin and I have had a crush on her since I met her when I was very young, six or so.
In time, I grew up and as is normal for people to do I came to some new conclusions toward my past crushes essentially chocking them up to childhood hormones and the like but in recent times I find myself devastatingly confused. I was reintroduced to my long lost friend a few months ago at the renaissance festival where she was making plans for her marriage to her new fiancée. At first my thoughts were completely innocent but within a few minutes of getting reacquainted with her I was surprised to find myself looking at her in some rather impure ways.
Although she isn't 'technically' related to me,(she shares a gene with my half brother but not me) she's still family and as much as I was trying to stop the demons running through my head, I was completely lost in my sinful infatuation.
Okay, I'm crushing on my long lost cousin as she's making plans for her marriage to another man. I have the tools at my disposal to cause so much chaos with everyone in no small dose. This alone would typically be reason enough to start problems and watch the mayhem unfold but in this case I didn't I kept my mouth shut to everyone but my brother about it(he's fun to mess with and he REALLY didn't like the thought of me nailing his cousin). The point I'm trying to make though is that there is a reality of the situation that no one could deny, she's OFF limits and I was aware of it from the beginning and usually that knowledge alone is enough to stop my from even being interested it someone. Not this time, I was fighting my own head the whole time. I reminded myself of how wrong this all is and tried desperately not to try to see her nipples through her chain mail brazier, or stare at her ass as she walked by with her fiancée holding her.
The whole situation has me confused and discussed with myself. I never had any intentions but I couldn't stop myself from behaving like I did.
Now that you've inured the above... my point.
Now that I’m back home and I have had the time to reflect on the situation, I have been questioning my conclusions about other women I have liked in the past and I now wonder if the feelings that I thought I felt back then about April, Alison and Natalie would be as real today as they were then.

P.S. For the guys out there, If you had "kind of" cousin like me and she looked like this would you think about nailing her or am I just a freak?

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    Gnarls Barkley - Crazy

(no subject)

The story's a bit High school but the long term effects of the situation follow me to this day as. Not because of the pain caused by the situation but because of the long term effects it had on my life.
I was eighteen years old when I met her and she was by no means my first love, but she was the first girl that I was ever with that made me forget about April even for a moment or two. The first time I met her was after school when I was checking her out. She was wearing a short black leather skirt with long black skin tight boost and a long black leather coat that ended just about at the top of her boots... Very Sexy! Anyway, I REALLY met her the next day at lunch, she was dressed like your stereo-typical lesbian in the flannel and everything but I was caught off guard when she started flirting with me. I think it was the outfit that sparked my interest, all I know is that we chatted for the duration of the lunch period and when it was over she walked me to my class. It was when she left that I realized that I liked her.
"Oh, hey. You never gave me your name." I said just as she turned from me to leave.
She stopped abruptly, turned and said "It's Alison, with one "I." and then she turned and walked laboriously away from me. It was the way that she walked that caught my eye. She kind of shrugged her backpack into place upon her back and with a slight hunch under the weight of her books she walked away. There was no gentle sway of her ass like most girls have, she had no sultry almost slow rhythm in her step like the other girls around, she just walked. There was absolutely nothing remarkable about the way she walked at all, an I found that to be the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced. It seemed to convey honesty, confidence in herself, and a certain reality that other girls seemed to lack. It's the little things in life...
Anyway, we wound up going out for three and a half months and we had gotten to the point where we were thinking about getting married when all the sudden things got bad. She wasn't calling anymore and she seemed distant for about two weeks. I spoke with her about it and we decided to try some things for a bit but it didn't help so I called her up and when I spoke with her this time she came out with the truth. She had fallen for her ex-boyfriend and she was leaving me for him.
The interesting thing was that before that phone call I was very emotionally alive but after that call I felt nothing for several years. At first the hurt was so bad that I wanted to die and then all of the sudden, everything was calm and quiet.
Suddenly I saw the world through new eyes and things that used to matter to me like morals or values and right vs. wrong just didn't exist anymore. I lost my virginity to the first girl willing and started using drugs and stopped caring about useless things like love and happiness.
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    Blu October - Hate me