November 14th, 2008

Gene

I wish I had love...

When the fuck do I get to be the one that stabilizes her? I was only five years old when I began devoting my live to understanding people and their psychology for god’s sake! I spend every waking hour of my life doing everything I can to make her happy and in return all I’ve ever asked in return is for her to show me that she loves me as much by doing half as much for me. All I’ve ever asked from her was for her to show me the kind of love I show her. I’ve even simplified it for her, if she would just blow me once a week, I could forgive everything else.
I am so lonely… I want someone to love me too. I feel like I’m just drifting around in nowhere fulfilling my purpose as a live in babysitter.
Today, I hear from her that all she wanted to do all day was cuddle me. She also said she wanted to cuddle Ryan from work but didn’t because it would have been weird. I wish I was who she really wanted to cuddle, not just what’s around to cuddle with. Then she came home and cuddled me and the whole time I was torn. I wanted the affection to continue but all I could think about was how she’ll get this out of her system and then go back to her usual neglectful self.
The most hurtful thing she said to me in our entire relationship is that she needs to talk to a therapist instead of me because she can’t open up to me. She spoke with Dawn a few times and only then did she hear what I’ve been telling her for years. She spoke with Tom from work today and now she feels more stable. I feel like shit. I feel like she’ll never talk to me and she will always keep me as far away from her true feelings as possible. My whole life, I’ve spent the last 22 years studying human emotion, behavior and psychology but I’m the ONLY one that she refuses to communicate with.
How the fuck do you fix a relationship when the one you love doesn’t want to participate in it?
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