April 18th, 2009


Am I an Asshole?

I know I have tendencies to talk shit and to be negative these days but suddenly I find myself in the unforeseen situation of being called an inconsiderate jerk because Jen "just wants a shoulder to cry on." Allow me to fill you in, first I shall address her perspective. Jen is being let go from her job and was told that she has an "excellent chance" of getting employed at a higher wage at this other place where her boss knows the guy and put in a recommendation for her. This is stressful for her and she is scared. She talks about the situation frequently and in front of company because she wants someone to comfort her. Every time she tries t talk to me about it, I just bow my head and mutter something inaudible while looking depressed so she feels like she can't turn to her love in this, her time of need. From this perspective, it's easy to see why she thinks I'm being such an ass hole. The complications with this are the following: I begged her not to spend her entire tax return, plus my college loan on luxury items, but she ignored me and blew $10,000 in a month on anew i-phone(which I begged her not to get), a 61 impala wagon(I also begged her not to get), a new laptop(which was the ONLY thing she was supposed to get,) and various other crap like blue ray dvds, WoW packages, drinking with her friends, etc. I expressed a lot of disapproval for all of these purchases, I begged her not to blow the money, I begged her to pay back the money she borrowed from my college, I pleaded with her not to buy the car, I suggested repeatedly that we write out a plan and do things in order of importance, such as declawing the cat, getting our teeth fixed, paying our bills and buying clothes for the boys and ourselves. My point is that she has not once regarded my opinion as mattering once in the last month, and our relationship has been exactly like this for the last three years. Secondly, I have stresses too, like how we cannot afford my textbooks for school(let alone the tuition), my sexual needs and desires are a forgotten memory these days, I'm suddenly having difficulty focusing on my school work and now I'm failing my classes and no matter how hard I try, I cannot retain the information I read. I am gaining weight because I binge eat, I'm drinking again, and my opinion doesn't matter. Any one of these things are enough to screw up someone's day but whenever I try to talk about it with her, she ignores me, she tells me she doesn't want to hear about it, she becomes defensive and starts yelling and freaking out, or she tells me to shut up about it and smoke some more weed. Finally, there's this; I cared about everything before she spent three years trying to shape me into a "tough man." I'm submissive by nature, everyone that knew me two years ago knows this, but she immediately started pushing me into being stronger, telling me that I should stand up for myself and have better self esteem. See she never wanted a submissive man, she wanted a slave that she would never have to reward. After three years of her walking on me, she sucked her coworker's dick after I begged her repeatedly not to. Then when the breakup from that ensued, she told everyone that I was leaving her and the children to be with someone else who, in truth, was only trying to help by offering me a place to sleep. After I moved in with her, Jen calls me in few weeks and tells me that her mom is no longer willing to watch the boys so she'll have to quit her job if I don't come out and watch the kids. Then everything insidiously began again, only this time I get to her about how I "walked out on my children," and I get to her her mother's constant condescending judgmental, feminist insults and she keeps me powerless so I cannot escape. I have no cars anymore, no job, no driver's license and all my friends from three years ago are now occasional references in nostalgic conversation with myself. My point is that over the years, she has taken more and more from me and now there just isn't much left to give a fuck about her job loss. Oh, one last detail; she's not upset over money. She is convinced that she has a job waiting for her somewhere else, I guess, so what she's really upset about is the fact that she now has to travel 6 minutes instead of 4 to her job and now she doesn't know anyone there. She must upset about loosing her friends, not her livelihood. How sick is that? Right now, she is installing new parts she just bought for her new piece of shit wagon. She talks about fixing it up and making it not suck somehow, despite the fact that she is an unemployed mother of two. God forbid she actually spend her money on important things, like clothes for the kids, child safety locks, toenail clippers, a couch/chair for the living room or even some haircuts. She instead, blew everything on toys and now she wants me to show her all this support now that she cares enough about something because it affects her. I hope she gets into an accident and kills herself in her nice new piece of shit. Things I'm not allowed to do: Be a part of the decisions about how we will raise our children. Have an opinion. Enjoy sex. Have friends. Influence her decisions making. Enter the property of where she worked. Receive blowjobs. Discuss our relationship. Suggest that she might be wrong about something. Win an argument. Have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Sleep in the same room, and occasionally the same building, as her IF I start to win an argument. Sleep in. Have a car. Have a phone. Have an opinion. Be smarter than her(this is the hardest part). Talk about stressors in front of company. Ask her not to talk about stressors in front of company. Ask her to do the dishes. Ask her to take out the trash. Ask her to get up and fetch her own soda. Be in pain, ever. Be myself. Enjoy myself. Enjoy being myself. Not change every single aspect of my personality, goals, aspirations, opinions, personal views, desires, sexual desires, and morals/ values to coincide with her diluted view of reality. Someone please tell me, am I an asshole for not caring that she's nearly a third as stressed as I am? Should I just get into the habit of giving her everything she ever wants for the rest of my life?
  • Current Music
    Children playing in the next room