July 5th, 2009


Wants and Needs...

That car is going to either cause a break up or I'm going to lose my mind.
Jennifer mentioned yesterday morning that next year we'll have the "brick" to drive to see the fireworks in St. Paul next year. I don't know if anyone else would get upset about such a comment but I was extremely put off. I spent the rest of yesterday in an unpleasant kind of depressed state. I was pissed all day, I wanted to smack the boy around every time he put himself between me and one of my destinations to beg for a something, I drank a full pot of coffee and couldn't stop shaking because I didn't eat anything all day. I was irritable, impatient, lethargic and downright broody. All because of this single sentence.
First I begged Jen not to blow Tony, then I begged her to pay my college loans back after she borrowed them, then I begged her not to spend my college money on the car.
She cheated on my anyway, she blew Tony, she refused to apologize for it, she blew my student loans, she blew her tax returns, she lost her job and she still wants to buy this total piece of shit from the very man she cheated on me with and she doesn't give a shit about how it's going to make me feel.
When the day finally comes where I cannot stay any longer without endangering myself or others and I have to leave her again, at least you all know the real truth as to why.
I'm going to lose my son.
I'm going to go stand in front of a judge one day and tell him/her about all the cruel things she put me and my sons through; I'll tell him/her about how she never cleans, never takes care of even her own son, never makes dinner or cleans anything around the house, never spends time with them and the most common expression from her mouth is "Go away!" I'll tell him/her everything, and I'll still walk out of that courtroom with minor visitation rights. When that happens... I don't know what I'll do. My son is my life. I've tolerated this psychopath for three years for no reason other than to be near my son and I'll still lose him after all the fighting I've done.
She knows how much I want her to not ever buy this car, but she won't listen to reason, she won't compromise and she won't even consider how this is going to hurt me. I saw that piece of shit over here last month in our parking lot every single day, and every single day I was reminded of her and Tony. I was reminded that she was not only willing to blow him, she wanted to do everything I always wanted her to do to me but never would. That car reminds me of how she does not value my opinions, she does not care about my feelings, she does not care about honesty in our relationship, but she was willing to jeopardize our relationship over a blowjob. Every time I look at that fucking car I see her on her knees in the company bathroom with Tony's pants down around his ankles while I was at home working on my schoolwork so I could get a degree and secure a future for our family.
Every time I see that car, I see the rust falling off of it, the shitty ass paint job, the torn interior, the missing door handles, the crooked chassis, the cracked window, the seatbelt-less backseat and I think about how all that is more important to her than me.
Every time I see that car, I think about how awful of a person Tony is; he cheats on his wife, he drinks and drives, he stole money from Jen, he tried to get her fired, her wrote his name on her work tickets to get credit for her sales, he has never done her a single favor and yet she wanted to do something to him that she doesn't seem to ever want to do to me.
I told her that I could tolerate her not ever cleaning the kitchen, I could tolerate her not taking care of the children, I could tolerate her never getting a job and I could tolerate her constantly ordering me around if she just blew me once or twice a week. I know this because I told Melody the same thing and I told Jen about that too and when she heard about Melody's lacking, she said, "I would give you a blowjob every day if that's all it took to keep you happy." Her problem is that she NOW interprets that to mean that she is allowed to have no responsibilities at all. On a separate issue, blowing me is the only aspect of our relationship I care about. In other words, "I would leave her for not blowing me but the rest of the issues are insubstantial." She can turn anything into fight.
She does these mental acrobats to keep herself from ever being wrong and all of her friends see it. Like they say, "She's a good friend, but she is NOT a good person."

My question to myself is this: Is what I'm missing from this relationship a need or a want, and can I spend the rest of my life without this need/want of mine?

I have noticed a change in myself recently, the more I tolerate, the less libido I have. The less libido I have, the less I care about anyone or anything. The less I care, the more I lose myself. I know I'm going crazy, I know what psychological reactions I'm having and I know how dangerous this all is. I just don't care any more....
  • Current Mood
    cold cold


This is called Melody. I was thinking about her and became inspired so I dedicate this to her.

Across the wakes and through the waters
Of long forgotten shores.
Behind the blasted tower cards,
behind the numbered doors.
The depths of darkness reach throughout,
And those that feel it's touch;
They love and hate and live and breathe,
Religion as their crutch.

Throughout the lands and over skies,
Of shady lines and plumes,
Deep within the darkest lie,
With coffins, box cars, tombs...
Tearing up the liberties
Of simple willing minds,
Bringing forth with agony
The planet's own demise.

The enemy we face today
is greater than are we,
It seeks to take away our will,
And kill democrasy.
It is everywhere and all around,
Yet we know not that it's here.
We hope for God and love and peace,
We pray that someone's there.

But part the seas and walk the waters
Of long forgotten shores.
The truth is there inside the dark
Behind the numbered doors.
The life that follows the life that leads,
The life that plants with ease.
The are with you now, inside you now,
They give you strength to breathe.

These little flames that once were sparks
That brightly burn each day.
The stone that fell, the wall that cracked
And followed in decay.
We suffer now from good and bad
tugging at our soul.
We struggle to discern the truth
and fill the empty hole.

Through science, faith, or wit, or might,
Through alcohol or drugs,
Through work or play, through sex or God,
Through Nicotine filled lungs.
Through economics, politics,
Religion Race or creed,
We hold the truth and keep it safe
Inside our shells unfreed.

We fight and scream and kick and bleed
We keep our precious faith.
To force the crutches under heel
That help us feel in place.
We loan ourselves to monsters that
We ultimately made,
And watch it take away our hope,
as our aspirations fade.

We all have pain and suffering,
We all have horrid grief,
We all have fear and nervousness,
Which generates belief.
Until the walls of ignorance
Have crumbled down and fell,
The world will know kind of peace
with that dreams can only tell.

~ Warren Hollabaugh~

Faith is no substitute for intelligence.