October 19th, 2009

GenePensive

Thoughts...

I've recently begun working again. (About two months ago actually...) I got a hold of my old boss Dana and after a few minutes of chit chat he was asking if I "needed work." I told him I was really hard up for work and that. We did a few jobs together over the course of about three weeks or so and then it was dry for a week while I helped him get his new home ready. I helped him scrape, float out and paint the ceilings, then pull wallpaper off of and scrub glue off his walls, then skim, sand and paint his entire interior. Oh, and I did some plumbing, moving, carpet removal and learned to walk on stilts too. He paid me $100, daily lunches, all the MD Amp i could drink, and a tank of gas for my work... I almost refused the $100...
I began working with Richard shortly after getting Dana's house ready for the move. Dana's currently doing some subcontracting work and can't use me so Richard snagged me up. Now, things have gotten a little fast. Richard needs me to work on all the good days with little forewarning due to the weather we've been having. He's going crazy trying to get these jobs done and my unavailability on Mondays due to having no babysitter is getting old really fast.
Jenifer was in the ER twice this month. She is currently getting over pneumonia and she just had an attack so now she's on prednizone and completely bipolar. Dana needs me to move my new couch out of his new garage, Alana needs me to get Dad to move some furniture I don't even want. There's no groceries, the apartment's an real need of being sorted thoroughly washed and sanitized. If I have to clean that damn cat box again I'm gonna stuff he pillow with it! I didn't want the cat, the birds or the god damn deer sleeping in my bed while I'm away, but guess what.... grrr....
Anyways, JD's just begun really communicating with his words. He 's talking in full on, though inexperienced, sentences. He's still a bit difficult to understand but he'll get used to saying things and become more clear as the weeks slither by this upcoming winter.
I still don't have enough to make it to California yet and it's getting close to December. I'll have enough for a bus ticket but I really would like to take my children to Disneyland this Christmas like my parents did when I was young.
My knowledge is growing so fast due to the internet that I've become addicted to it. I look up anything and everything. I spend all my time debating with people over political, physics related, religious, scientific, environmental, mythological, historical and philosophical topics. Often I seem to have the last word in most subjects, barring the occasional "Oh yeah? Well, you're stupid!" or some other arbitrary and hollow comment. Yet I feel like one of the dumbest people around.
I'm an Atheist now. I'm not sure how long this will last, but knowing my track record, I'll probably be something else till I learn enough about it to get annoyed and move on... not sure how that can happen with Atheism yet but the Christians assure me that it's a "belief in no God"rather than just having no need to waste my time on imaginary things. I'm more interested in sociology, environmental concerns and global poverty right now.
I've had such a depressing sex life that I'm getting turned off by Jen... unless she's naked or something I just feel put off by her. I constantly feel like she doesn't give a shit about me, she doesn't touch me at all, she says she loves me but all she ever does is work or play World of Warcraft. She never spends time with me or the kids. The sex I get is lame as hell, she just lays there and when we were done she said "I felt bad for Ryan because he never gets to have sex, so I thought I should try to take care of my man's needs more often. The worst part is that I'm so frustrated I pushed my pride aside and said "That would be nice." I would like to have said "Take your pity sex and shove it up your ass!" but I'm not above it cause I have no self respect. I cook or some more money gets spent on something else terrible for the children so I basically do it all.
Now why the fuck is it that if I were to end this now I would only get to see my son as often as she let me see him? She smokes weed, she plays World of Warcraft all day long, she steals groceries, she pays her bills with money her mother gives her and spends hers on junk food and drugs, she spent my student loans, now I'm going to collections and my future is destroyed... I've never met anyone so selfish, self absorbed, negative, greedy, neglectful or hateful. Once, right after a fight with Jen, I slapped JD across the face because he wouldn't stop screaming. I love my son and I would never hurt on purpose. I wasn't even thinking about hitting, him, I was just angry and my hand moved on its own... I'm not proud of it and I'll never do it again, but I'm still the evil one in her and her mother's eyes. My whole life, all I ever wanted was a women that would hold me and tell em everything's going to be okay... I found one that pushes me away and makes me fetch her drinks instead.
Richard and Dana can keep me busy all winter between the two of em, I can save up for a bus ticket to California in that time and the break from things here will be nice.
Many people ask me why I'm still here. I wish I had a good answer, but instead I have one that's good for me and a dozen little ones that aren't good enough for anyone else.
It's a roof over my head, I only have two other places to go. One; I lie on my dad's single room apartment hardwood floor next to him not sleeping due to his snoring, two; I go live with Dawn again and destroy that friendship further than I already have while simultaneously throwing away my career as a painter. That's a logical reason.
An emotional one would be my son. For him, I owe him more than 3 years of trying. I want him to at leased remember me as someone before I give up all home on my family. I want her to snap back to the woman I love. I want her to give up the weed, the WoW and the "sex is dirty" mentality. I want her to care whether or not I think she's sexy. I want her to think of me half as much as I think of her. I wish she would touch me like she used to. I wish she would get wild like she used to and take me to the bedroom. We never go out any more now that she makes all the money. I can since the Jen I love just under the surface but it's like she gets buried deeper and deeper down away from me every day that passes.
I get to chose instead. I get to make a choice whether to stick it out to the bitter end and possibly never get back the woman I fell in love with, or walk away and face myself every morning knowing that sex and affection were the reasons I don't hear my son laughing when I wake up anymore. I have the opportunity before ever finishing college whether go make a life for myself and maybe find happiness in my future, or stay here and tolerate more nothing from her for the next God knows how long but I get to see my son every morning when I wakeup and he's here growing in front of me every day when I come home from work he'll be here.
It's no contest. For him, I would stick it out till the world was going to end trying to make a relationship work no matter how bleak the outlook appeared.
With this in mind, my small reasons are: I get to play WoW all day if I want and smoke pretty much as much pot as I want and she's cool with it. I just can't be myself in public I get the "SCOTTY!!!"(*arm punch*) if I start to have too much fun. I do get occasional sex with a warm cadaver, cable on a 42 inch HD TV, Dad swings by weekly and makes more fun for me with sugary sweets, this is life. I'm living a life, and even though it's not what I always wanted, or remotely close to one I would have been content with, I am still comfortable with me decision to stay her for another year and decide next whether I want to do another year of hard time in the State Jen. We'll see if she grows up enough to take helpful suggestions without throwing honorific insults in front of our friend again next year when I try to talk to her about what would make me happy again.
I've gotten tired of trying. I'm out of ideas as to how to make her more pleasant,she just gets angry and it's getting us nowhere. Id rather sit here with her ignoring me behind me on her laptop forever than have another meaningless fight which gets us nowhere.

What else is there....? Oh, I got my vitamins today. I used to take 5 supplements twice every day: Vitimins C, B12, E Beta Carotene and Selenium. I distinctly recall being thinner, stronger, faster and more coordinated back then so I'm hoping that taking them again will helm me get back in shape by making me want to do stuff again. We'll see what changes I experience as the next few weeks unfold.