May 23rd, 2011

Gene

My perspective, for those who give a shit...

She recoils from me like a child from a monster. From the topics I discuss to the intimate caress, from the activities we used to enjoy together to the pleas for attention from her own sons. She recoils when I try to express my love, she cringes when I beg her to participate in life. She has recoiled so much from everything me and everything family and everything responsibility that she is no longer Jen. All that is left of the once empowered woman who's thirst for life and diverse interests rivaling my own is a job who's only purpose is to fuel addiction. Her dedication to her work goes as far as her own drug use, her WOW, and her trinkets and toys.

She provides no food, clothing or security for her children, no motherly compassion, no joy at all. She has become nothing more than the 'grease monkey,' obcessed with cars and vices, recoiling from everything that I embrace from science to philosophy, from nature walks to parrenting, from intimacy to understanding. She is nothing more than cars, World of Warcraft, weed and gossip. She has recoiled so much from all that is me, that there is literally nothing left of the Jen that I once loved.

There is no way that something like this could be by mistake. The only possibility for such a transformation of such extremes to become exactly everything that I feel an aversion to is blatant distaste for me. Jen detests me so much that over the years she has become everything that I detest and nothing that I do not.

The only way that I can make sense of such behavior is through her peers. Despite all that I provide, despite all her shortcomings that I make up for, despite all the painful neglect toward her family that I sacrifice my life on a daily basis to repair, she has found a way to blame me for her shortcomings.

She spends all her money on herself and blames me when her children go without for not providing enough. She neglects her children and then blames me for her son's behavioral problems by attacking my parenting. She neglects our relationship and then blames me for our problems when I try calling her on it by accusing me of being an asshole.

The only explanation for such behavior is embarrassment. It's no surprise that Jen refuses to work on, or even admit, her shortcomings. What has happened is that she has vented her half-truth, delusional perspectives on her the only people stupid enough to still be her friends after being manipulated in this way for so many years.

Now the only people who call her friend are those who still buy her bullshit. To them, I must seem like an ungrateful mooch who drains all her money, doesn't respect her, has no accountability or integrity and won't get a real job. To them, I'm the villain who's taking advantage of this poor defenseless, hard-working mother. Little do they know, it is them and I who are the victims. Sure, I have my shortcomings, but all of them stem from or are entirely due to my fruitless efforts to get Jen to love her family. It's not difficult to see how one can become insane trying endlessly without reward to get back the woman you've fallen in love with only to be rewarded with further neglect.

What's pathetic is that Jen has now not only begun to buy her own bullshit, she has actually become embarrassed by the concept of her friends believing that she is attracted to me. Her tales of fantastic drama regarding how much of a horrendous person she's illustrated me as being have her friends wondering why she's wasting her time with such a pathetic excuse of a human being such as myself. Even if she hadn't become convinced of her own manipulations and deluded about her part in all of this, she would still not be able to make an effort toward repairing our relationship. It's too late. She's already convinced all her friends that I'm the bogeyman, if she did actually face reality and accepted me for who I am, she would be exposed as the liar she is, or humiliated as the girl who wound up taking back the world's worst man. Frankly, I'm not in the slightest torn apart by the notion of once again being free of the lying, manipulative, user known as Jen.

Despite all of this, I'm the only person who has seen her true colors and still loves her. Everyone else(especially Alana) are either oblivious to Jen's true behavior or despise her adamantly. Every single person who's lived with us and seen Jen first hand are in complete agreement about her and urge me regularly to "get the fuck away from that leech."

Here's the thing, I've ignored every one of these advisors; my closest friends,
and every one of my family members, and even Jen's closest friends. Instead I gave Jen every ounce of faith that I could muster and every opportunity to prove these people wrong. It truly is a shame that she has failed so spectacularly at showing me the same level of integrity. Were it not for the opinions or her deluded friends, who unlike my friends have never seen us living together first hand, she might actually have some clarity in her life about who I really am. Now she's so wrapped up in her delusions that she can't seem to see me for the person I really am any longer. Even when I reach out to her, she simply accuses me of having impure motives. I may have my flaws, but I'm not lazy or selfish and I've never wanted anything other than to do the right thing. I wish with all my heart to work through our problems but I simply don't see how that's possible when I'm the only person she won't trust or talk to.

I've worked my fingers to the bone, sacrificing every penny for this family while Jen came home demanded special treatment and ostracized her own children day after day with no regard for the fact that I work just as hard as her yet dedicate all of my money to the home and expect nothing but the bare minimum. I sat there as she bashed me to her mother accusing me of leaving her for another woman. I refused to defend myself and explain that it was because she sucked her coworker's dick and let him fuck her in the ass after I begged her not for weeks because I didn't feel like I had the right to hurt a mother-daughter relationship even with the truth. Then, a few weeks ago I find out she's been buying pounds of weed from my sister from across the US through the mail and dealing, and for some reason, my own sister is talking trash on me and keeping secrets. She promised three times to pay me back the college tuition I spent on her rent and bills with her tax returns and I watched as she spent it on drugs and material possessions for herself. Now she's convinced that because she actually contributed an equal share for three and a half months around here that she magically owes me nothing and that I'm the mooch.

So why am I showing such restraint? Why should I keep my mouth closed any longer? She's only going to use my silence against me anyway when she takes my boys with her to Coon Rapids so she can be closer to shitty excuse for a job she only works so she can afford t fix her 'brick' and gout to parties!

So here's the bottom line. This post isn't here to make enemies or allies. I'm not asking anyone to stop being Jen's friend or to side with me in the upcoming separation. I don't want anyone to pass judgement on her, I just want the truth to be known. There is no good guy here. We are both equally shitty people who failed just as spectacularly to do what we were supposed to do. I tried, but failed and no matter what my intentions were, the end result is still the same.

All I ask here is that you stay out of our shit. You don't have to be involved to be a friend. You can listen to her vent without passing judgement and just because I won't reduce myself to "venting" like she does and will, doesn't mean that I have any less to vent about. There is nothing that you can do to hurt me more than I'm about to hurt and no matter what I've done that you disagree with, I don't deserve what's coming anyway. She's taking my boys to another city and despite all the shitty things she does, I'll never be able to get custody of them in this state. I've seen heroine addicts who've beaten their children win custody battles again and again against respectable, sober men with steady careers.

Believe me when I say that Jen's going to win no matter what I do. I just hope that through this, she's forced to be the parent she's failed to be all this time and learns to grow the fuck up and take some responsibility in life. I pray that her mother stops picking up her messes for her and her friends see though this how little she does and push her into being the parent these children deserve.