mjolner (mjolnier) wrote,

10 new rules...

I felt somewhat ambushed by the lack of preparation I had in comparison to yours, but then I was never one to take other peoples personal inventory. I guess I could have written a list comparable to yours in which I outlined the times when you've made me feel pathetic, or stupid and why, but frankly I didn't see how that could possibly be constructive. I felt like it was more important to give you the benefit of the doubt, go home each night, hurt, give you space till I'm done hurting, and then when it stops, re-approach you. Perhaps this is why we don't hang out more. A true friend doesn't assume the worst, I have, and always will, instead assume that your intentions are good when you say things that hurt... even though you've repeatedly proved this notion wrong.
I could never sit and make you hurt by pointing out all of your character flaws out of some ill conceived notion of superiority or vain delusion that it would somehow be good for our friendship or you as a person. I've only ever tried to help you when you stumble over the same stone again and again and even that has come to an end as of late. I see now that the air needs to be cleared, I cannot guess at what actions I've taken or words that I've said that have upset you, you needed to share. Now I feel reluctant to do the same. I firmly believe that this is the only way to proceed given recent occurrences otherwise we're stepping of again on a foot of dishonesty. Perhaps I'm misrepresenting things here, but the following is true and needs to be said nonetheless. Unfortunately, I cannot recall these details in conversation, I needed to sit and write them out.
In the past few weeks I have done a considerable amount of evaluation on our friendship and I have arrived at a new level of understanding that was confirmed spectacularly during my last visit.

We shouldn't be friends.

I do not enjoy your company anymore for a considerable number of reasons. You make me feel used, pathetic, unappreciated, inadequate, ugly(both on the inside and outside), but mostly just psychologically fucked up. I cannot expect to have a conversation with you without being judged and condemned, you take full control of every conversation and regularly interrupt me to tell me what I am and am not allowed to say and nearly always ends with you shutting down and telling me to stop while you accuse me of not listening. Conversations are exhausting and unproductive, advice is slapped away without any degree of diplomacy and often balled in with numerous insults on multiple levels combined with accusations of some sort of malicious intent directed at you. You feel judged, tears are not uncommon, shouting, etc. so I've learned to shut up and refrain from giving feedback. You seem to value patronizing lies that comfort your emotions over honesty regardless of compassion.
Then there's the public spectacles that have occurred. You have no qualms about embarrassing me in front of my closest friends, dropping cut down comments, behaving selfishly and making events that I go to unpleasant. I cannot begin to describe how horrid I felt when you brought Darren to ConVergence and put so many of my friends through that drama, I cannot describe the self loathing I felt when you encouraged my flirtations during the last ConVergence only to reject me directly after getting satisfaction.
Looking back on our friendship I see a incessant repetition of events in which you used me in one form of another and then kicked me away when you're tired of me or have some new guy to obsess over. I felt used at Lucy's party when you spent the whole time talking with that guy and I had to stand around waiting for you just so I could drive you home afterward. I felt pathetic when you rejected me because you were having a period and then described your bloody sexual exploits with the car dealer the very next day. You have an uncanny ability to make me feel completely undesirable as a person and you do it quite often. I felt the weight of this all bearing down on me when you disregarded me as I stood and waited patiently for you while you chatted about nothing of consequence only to rush me as I paused to ask something relevant.
The best part though, is how you've managed to miss all of this and instead interpret my recent hostility as me being sweet in private and an asshole in public. The mental acrobatics that you must have played with yourself to come to such a conclusion and then investigate it and somehow find confirmation in this idea is simply offensive to me on yet another level. The truth is so much more simple than that; I've lost nearly all the respect that I once had for you. While I am proud of the financial independence, scholarly progress and parental integrity that you've achieved, you have managed to become simultaneously one of the most judgmental, condescending and selfish people I know and many concepts that you are passionate about are hugely offensive to me. When I first met you, you were promiscuous, overweight, financially unstable and had extremely low self esteem, but at leased I never felt judged around you, I never felt like my opinions were trash and I certainly never felt like I was an ugly person.
What really bothers me is that I've taken your advice, every time we fought about something I said I tried to incorporate that into my behavior, change myself to suite your personality so you wouldn't get your emotions hurt. Yet after all this tiptoeing and biting my tongue and complementing you and fluffing your ego like you wanted, we're here. Worse than ever.
The biggest thing that's going on though, is that you've become so boring to be around. All you seem to talk about these days is work, friends and romances and I feel like we're running out of things in common. All we really have is cosplay now. That matters so much more to me than everything else. I'm sorry, there is no nice way to say that and I know that's fucked, but ultimately if I'm bored with someone I'm going to stop hanging out with them.
So here's where we are, I feel like I am the one who should be questioning for all the above reasons and more as to whether or not I want to continue being your friend, and I can honestly say no. I have no desire to be friends with someone who's selfish, judgmental, inconsiderate, difficult, and boring. I would probably be better off on some level just walking away and frankly so would you. You've said things to me that were no less critical or hurtful that what I've just laid out so I know you this has to be pretty mutual despite the fact that I'm a human and only have my own perspective to go off of.

However, you're the only friend I have that I've gone through anything close to this with and still hang around. In fact, you were the one that taught me that overcoming shit like this is kind of the defining characteristic of what a friendship is. I have and always will give you the benefit of doubt I believe that you mean well. I've never judged you, never will, I've always let this shit roll off my back and I keep coming back.
Now you are trying to decide whether to be my friend because I've accidentally hurt your ego. Think about all of that for a minute.

You wanted me to open up so I am giving you access to my livejournal so you can get a glimpse. My olive branch, if you will. I hope you decide that my expounding on the dark trash from a past only illustrates the depth of how seriously I take our friendship and inspires you both take my integrity more seriously as well as begin seeing me as an equal. More importantly I hope it puts everything into perspective and allows us to move forward in a healthy way but again, I'm not the one putting forth the ultimatum.
Well, there it is. Take it or leave it, ultimately the decision is yours.

Here are my ten new rules, I thought it would be productive to have a happy balance of "do's and don't's":
1) Stop trying to change me. Either accept me for who I am or don't but no more telling me how to act or how to talk.
2) Stop manipulating the conversation. No more shutting down, no more "Drop it!" No more interruptions, no more "You're not listening." You're too good at these tricks and it's not fair.
3) Do not attempt to decipher my comments, if something is unclear simply ask. Even if you ask weeks or months later, I would rather have you understand me and be angry for the right reasons.
4) Stop saying "I've come this far by..." It limits you.
5) Stop taking my emotional inventory, you're not qualified and I do it enough anyway.
6) Hugs when we meet. I don't care how mad you are with me, it's a thing now and it's mean to withhold it.
7) Mention something about me that you like once per get together.
8) When I tell you to "Say it," you must drop whatever your doing, take a deep breathe and say "Rubber baby buggy bumpers."
9) Write and share it with me from time to time.
10) Meditate.

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