mjolner (mjolnier) wrote,

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(I'm not sure what was happening to me at the time of this post, but I was obviously not well in the head. Perhaps a nervous break down or something of the like. Anyways, I'm better now.)

There is much to say and little time in which to say it. On a fairly consistent basis now I can feel it flood me and I am now starting to loose control. I don't have much more time.
I was once a boy, I had hope, I had love. I once saw beauty in everything around me. Sometimes, I even felt happiness. I have learned recently that even when people seem stronger than most, they still need help and are usually weaker than those that appear to need help. I have also learned that sometimes the only thing that keeps us alive is the knowledge that nobody hates them.
I have done many horrible things in my past and I continue to pay for it, some of that payment has been to receive sentence before verdict even when innocent. I have always offered the truth to people about everything that I can but people have to be willing to hear it. Perhaps the fact that no one wants to hear it is evidence that it is time to go.
Two months ago I broke up with someone. I realized that as much as I loved her good qualities, and I continue to love them, they could never outweigh the problems I did have with her lifestyle. It was never my right to attempt to try to change her and and I regret that I couldn't focus on the more beautiful things in the end. I wish I could be her friend again. I never meant for this to happen.
It wasn't the breakup that affected me, but the following months in which people have started to actively accuse me of things, turn away from me, even my closest friends have stopped seeking my company and behave much differently around me. I had friends so close to me that they were like family, a father and a brother, but they have now turned their backs on me and all that they know about me so that they can embrace the only excuses they can to hate me. It isn't that they hate me, it's that they were so willing to. In the end they believe things about me that are lies, but they will never hear the truth.
What's worse is that I have been changing too, I have become more resentful and bitter, I can't seem to make sense of my own head anymore, I am even unable to avoid hurting people that I care about. I have lost much in the last two months and I will continue to lose more because I am weak.
I have never been able to fight other people for what I want or even need. Some people will give you the shirt off of their back, I will give you the car I'm driving. Hell, I just gave my $800.00 security deposit that I put down on the apartment I restored, painted and cleaned by myself to my ex, while she was actively attempting to make my closest friends hate me, just because she needed it. That hurt to do, especially because it was my money in the first place and I needed it to pay someone off so that I didn't get sued. I put everybody else's needs above my own, and it's gotten me into trouble.
People change. Some people become stronger, some people become weaker, some people undergo a complete paradigm shift and change into what seems like a whole new person but usually the change is for the better. I don't like what I'm becoming. It scares me. I don't want to hate this way, I don't want to be alone.

But I am already alone. I am free of everyone that would turn their back on me. I can feel it taking over, it's warm, like fire.
This doesn't make any sense, people don't react this way. What is happening to me?
Do not feel pity me. Do not apologies to me. Do not try to be my friend. Do nothing but fall. I am your Antichrist and you shall see my rapture soon weather you think I'm delusional or not. Weather you believe or not, the meek shall inherit the earth.
Think what you will, this is my live journal and I will write what I wish.

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