mjolner (mjolnier) wrote,

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I saw he the other day when I was helping my friend move but only briefly, she left shortly after my arrival. I didn't see her at the OMGWTFBBQ at all.

Now I've also recently learned that she left 'coffee cauldron' and 'otoku take over' so that she wouldn't have to see me and Jennifer together.
I really hate admitting I'm wrong, but I find myself doing it a lot. I miss the friends that I once had and the games that we used to play. I miss getting along with people that I've hurt. For the first time in my life, I actually want to apologies and say that I'm sorry for all of the wrong doings that I can possibly think of and do everything that I can to make things better, but I can't. I want to be wrong because then I could fix it, but I'm not. I want to apologies and say it was all my fault, but it wasn't
Believe me I tried, I told her that I had made mistakes that I hadn't, I even let her believe that I was becoming an alcoholic though I wasn't just so that she could put the blame on me. The truth was that I just had to get away from her.
I can't help but feel ashamed of myself for the way things have turned out. I can't help but feel that it was my fault somehow, but after many a sleepless night of reflection and contemplation I learned something that I am no longer willing to hide from her.
It wasn't my fault at all. No, I mean AT ALL. I have thought back on everything more times than I care to think about and if I have learned anything at all, it was that I did everything within my power to do the right thing at every turn. The only thing I was guilty of throughout the whole thing was giving her too much trust. I never asked more from her than she was capable of. All I wanted in return everything I did to hold us together was effort.
Then the breakup happened and everything went to hell. But I kept my mouth shut and never mentioned her to anyone in anything other that positive light. I've even cut down people for saying negative things about her to me or anyone else in front of me. Yet I was accused of doing the rumor spreading. I was accused of being abusive, of leaving her for another, even bad mouthing friends of hers.
That's about when I gave up. I let loose a very enraged post, then I just stopped caring. I let people think what they wanted and only when they came to me and asked me what the truth was did I tell them. I think this might be one of the reasons that I have been seeing less and less of her. I know that several of my friends were very much irritated at her when they found out that she had been lying to them about certain things(like Jen practicing black magic and such). I know a few people that have a lot of beef with her now. But I knew that the things she was saying would come back to bite her in the ass and that the truth would come out eventually all by itself. In the end I've only spoken to two people about the truth, the rest found things out on their own. I hear about her less and less and when I do hear something, it's along the lines of a malicious snark about her not being around.
You would think that I would be happy that she isn't around anymore and that no one I know terribly well is happy with her. No, I feel nothing but a sense of sadness that she has become what she is now to the people that once called her friend. I wish that I could take that away from her. I wish that I knew what she thinks that I have done to hurt her. I wish there was something there for me to make amends to her for. Above all else, I wish things would be copacetic again.

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